Is that a light? Can this really be happening? Am I finally on to something? I am two months in to something new. I think I’m starting to see the faintest light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m freaking out…
The past two months of my life have been exceptionally busy, both professionally and personally. Well, if I’m being honest, things have been crazy for the past six months. Despite that I’ve been making an effort to stay in the dating scene, keep a blog, and not let the craziness in my life deter me from my pursuit in finding true love. Now most of my experiences during the past few months have been documented already on this blog, and for the most part it’s been dismal…until now.
Late August, I matched with Paul on tinder. Right out of the gate conversations flowed with ease and was refreshing. I started talking to him around the same time I was talking to some of the men in my previous post. So the fact that he didn’t once bring up my sexuality or ask for half naked pictures, means he quickly advanced ahead of the rest in securing my attention. September was also the busiest month for me to date, in fact my entire year had been building up to what would consume my life in September. Which means Paul and I started talking at an inconvenient time, as all of my time with filled with work and familial obligations. My texting was sporadic. My responses were delayed, sometimes by hours or days. I was also scatterbrained, and didn’t remember half of the things we had talked about and often repeated myself. To top it off, we wouldn’t be able to meet in person until the end of the month. This all seemed like a recipe for disaster, but somehow it wasn’t.
Despite the craziness in my life at the time, Paul was consistent. Constantly stayed in touch and was understanding when I would drop out of conversations and disappear. He patiently waited until things calmed down in my life to ask me out for a simple coffee date so that we could finally meet in person. Our date went well, and it was great to see that our conversations flowed just as easily in person as they did via texts. Unfortunately, I had to cut the date short for yet another obligation, but we still spent a good four hours together at the coffee shop. He also texted me as soon as he got home and our conversations and connection continued.
Planning subsequent dates was difficult. My schedule was unforgiving going into October as well, and I wouldn’t be free for another date until after Thanksgiving (spoiler alert, I’m Canadian). He remained understanding and forgiving about my unavailability and kept in touch constantly. We finally met up for our second date at a movie, and afterwards spent three hours talking while sitting in his car in the parking lot. We probably would have stayed there longer but he had another obligation that took him away.
We’ve had several more dates since then, trying to meet whenever we can. If he’s in my neighborhood he’ll pick me up and we’ll drive around chatting and vice versa. We generally block off whole days together on the weekend so we can spend as much time with each other as possible. Due to our work schedules, it’s the only time we’re both free. We both work in the city and commute from the suburbs. One day I was having a particularly rough day at work, so he left work to meet me at the train station for a total of 10 minutes before I had to board my train home, and returned to work to finish out his day. He will take any opportunity he can to see me, no matter how long or short the time we have together will be. Why would he go out of his way to spend 10 minutes with me?! It’s only been two months, I’m not used to this.
He is very vocal/communicative, mature, and in touch with himself. He knows what he wants, knows how he feels, and is so sure of himself. So his intentions with me have always been very clear. His consistency, respect, kindness, thoughtfulness, and genuine adoration for me these past two months is already more than I have ever experienced in the past. He’s courting me. He’s not occupying time with me, to see if maybe something will come out of it. He is actively putting in effort and is trying to be the best version of himself to woo me. I feel like my dating experience has leveled up, and I am finally, for the first time, experiencing a mature dating courtship.
We’ve only known each other for two months but it feels so much longer. So naturally we have been progressing quickly. After our third date he confirmed that we were serious and started calling me his girlfriend. It took me awhile initially to think of him as my boyfriend, since it’s only been two months, but I’ve come around. He told me that he has moments where he wishes he could fast forward our lives by 3 or 4 months to see where we might end up down the road, but ultimately knows that he sees a future with me. My last two relationships ended because my partners didn’t see a future with me. Then there is Paul, who is already thinking about bringing me home to meet his parents.
But it’s only been two months…
When I think of where we are now, how we’re progressing, and consider the timelines, I feel overwhelmed. I’m constantly in turmoil, split between my mind/logic and my heart/feelings. It doesn’t feel like we’ve been moving fast, but logically I know we have been. In my heart, I worry that we’ll burn out the chemistry too soon or that we’re in too deep in the honeymoon bubble to be ready for reality when it hits. In my mind, my insecurities suddenly reemerge and I worry it’s all a trick. So I brace myself for reality and wait. A part of myself is holding itself back like it needs to see proof that what Paul and I have is real before it commits, but where am I supposed to get this proof?
I know I’m over reacting and making myself paranoid for no reason. Why can’t things be simple? We like each other, we get along, we have great chemistry, we haven’t had sex yet, but given all the other factors, I can’t imagine it will be bad or disappointing when we do. As a matter of fact, I’ve told him I’m not ready to take that step yet, because I feel like it would put us into overdrive when we’re already moving quickly. He’s been very respectful and maintained boundaries (even when we’re making out and I start getting carried away like a horny teenager – mixed signals, I know). The previous men in my life would only act kindly to get into my pants and then end up revealing their true intentions after, but Paul isn’t trying to get into my pants (not until I give the okay). So why am I freaking out? Why do I suddenly become anxious with this nagging fear that it isn’t real? This is what I want; what I have been envisioning and willing into existence for some time now. So why am I bracing myself for the bubble to burst?
I refuse to let these fears hold me back. When we are together none of the above matters, and feel myself falling for him more and more every day. It’s when I have those rare quiet moments to myself (like now) that the fears reemerge (after all, it’s only been two months). I too, wish I could fast forward our lives, just to know if it is what we think it is. Only time will tell, but I can say that I’m in it 100%. This may turn out to be everything or nothing, but for the first time I believe that I will be at peace with the outcome, whatever it may be. The feelings between Paul and I are genuine and mutual, and I know we are both open and ready for something meaningful and fulfilling. Neither of us is holding back. So if one day, the shoe does drop and our bubble bursts, at least I will know I gave it my all with someone who did the same.