I once again frustrated myself in my dating life. Which explains why I disappeared and abandoned this blog without a word. Previously I declared that part of the purpose of this blog was to help curb some of that frustration, but when you go sprinting out of the gate like I did, it’s hard to maintain that enthusiasm in the long run.
In 2017 prior to starting my blog, I went on a 6 month dating hiatus. This was the result after having my heart broken by the latest edition of Mr. Emotionally-Unavailable. He, in a lot of ways, encompassed what it is that I’m looking for as per my previous post. In fact, he was the living embodiment of it that proved to me that my idea isn’t so far-fetched or unrealistic. The only thing missing in our relationship was the willingness on his part to take a chance. That bummer aside, I took the time during my hiatus to lick my wounds and to occasionally engage in some self-destructive behaviours. I even managed to develop a rebound crush on someone I met by chance while on vacation. Unfortunately there is no future there so I’m not pursuing it, but crushes can be a nice break from reality.
So when 2018 came around, I was ready for a new start, one that I grabbed hold of with great gusto. I told myself I would get back in the dating game and start a blog to keep me motivated and sane during the experience. So I started this blog and downloaded multiple dating apps, since you never know which app Mr. Right is lurking on. Yet less than two months out of the gate, I was over it. I stopped opening the dating apps and felt no inclination or motivation to even do so.
“The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome.”
That’s how I felt when I was on dating sites. I’ve been on and off various sites all throughout my 20s, and here I am closing in on 30 and still cycling through the same sites (and occasionally the same people), hoping for a different outcome. My cousin who recently got engaged, met her fiance through a mutual friend. She too had struggled in the world of online dating and suggested that I take a step back and go “old school” by meeting people through friends. An intriguing and promising idea. I’ve floated the idea to some friends and family and most have come back with the same answers, “I don’t know anyone decent who’s single,” or “the people I do know aren’t ready for something serious.” Welp, that was short-lived.
Honestly, it was hard not to get bogged down by the enormity of it all. I wish I was one of those people who dated casually all the time, maybe then I wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about the big picture when I do meet someone with potential. However, I’m also not the type of person that needs someone. Being in a relationship is a nice to have, but if I have to go it alone then that’s fine too. I’m perfectly fine with going to events and doing things solo. It’s all I’ve ever known really, which means I never feel like I’m missing something, and since I don’t give a flying fuck about what people think, I’m pretty content in my day-to-day life as it is.
However, my parents have been making comments and suggesting its time I got married and “made something” of myself (as if the solid education and good job isn’t enough). My parents are immigrants and they measure success by the number of children you produce. My mother is also a hopeless romantic and every time I start to date someone new she automatically thinks he’s the one and that I’ve found the love of my life. After a few dates she expects me to announce the undying love between Mr. Right and myself and cannot comprehend how I don’t even know if I like a person after a few dates. She thinks dating is like the movies and always digs for details. I know she does it with the best of intentions, but it only adds to the pressure while dating. Another factor I need to take into consideration. Having all that in mind makes dating seem like an insurmountable task.
Hence my unplanned hiatus once again. I had reached a new low. I constantly felt like dating was impossible and that all hope was futile. Most of that feeling stemmed from the fact that I had no confidence anymore. Despite the 2017 dating hiatus, I wasn’t ready to date. I had spent that time wallowing and licking my wounds instead of building myself back up and reassessing what I wanted. As a result I decided instead to change focus. I’ve spent the last 6 months focusing on me. Slowly I’ve regained my confidence and my sense of control over the things in my life. I’m still a work in progress but at least I’m at a point now where I’ve built up enough resilience and patience to get back into the game.
So here I go (again)! Wish me luck.